Hartwick College's Student Newspaper

The View From Oyaron Hill

Editor's Letters

What's the Word

Posted on October 27, 2016 at 12:00 AM

Joanne Georges - Hilltops Editor-in-Chief

There isn’t a word for realizing you’ve done right by your younger self.

When I was younger and my siblings were just learning how to drive, I would think, “I can’t wait to drive too!” I’d imagine coasting down the highway blasting my favorite songs of the time and my older sister singing along beside me. I remember exactly what songs I wanted to be playing: Destiny Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”

And then one day it happened. My sister and I were coasting down the highway, my driver’s permit in my wallet, my phone plugged into the aux cord, and the windows rolled down. We’d been singing for well over an hour, but the next song gave me pause. It was Destiny’s Child, and my sister turned up the radio. I merged into the fast lane and went a little quicker, all the while maiming Beyoncé and crews’ much better voices.

“At first we started out real cool, Taking me places I ain't never been—” I started the song, head bobbing and shoulders shuffling to the rhythm and switched off with my sister for the second stanza of the verse. But as she started, all I could hear and picture was a younger me singing the same song and having that one fantasy of driving. I remembered exactly how I wanted to see myself and my sister driving in the car, smiling and singing, with sunlight streaming into the window; literally, as picturesque as you can make it. And here I was doing exactly that. I had daydreamed and fantasized about this moment since I was 12 years old and here I was achieving it at 20. It was like the younger version of myself was applauding somewhere.

I don’t know if that’s something most people go through. It’s happened a few times to me before. A moment I was seemingly having a great time and I’ll look at something or another and realize, “I made it,” or “This is what I wanted,” or “Wow, I did it.” Maybe you can call it success, but it isn’t necessarily a moment of achieving some goal. More a genuine moment I knew younger me had always wanted to experience. For example, during my freshmen year and in the winter, I was walking past Frisbee Field and in the snow, over the whole field was a drawing of a penis. I couldn’t stop laughing, because my first thought wasn’t how gross or weird, or even why someone had dedicated time in the snow to draw a crooked dick, but because, my first thought was, “Okay, yea, I’m in college.” Like that was supposed to be the true indication!

Except, it was my indication! Because along with that thought, I had a memory alongside it. I remembered watching TV about some college kids and in that episode they all recounted the phallus images they’d seen on their campus. When I was younger, I had thought that hilarious and couldn’t help daydreaming about the stupid things my own friends would be recounting in college. It became some sort of unconscious milestone I thought I should reach. So come freshmen year and seeing a crudely drawn penis in the snow, I raced home to go tell my roommates about it. And we had an all-night conversation about our first semester experiences. It felt good, right, and like I had been working to achieve this one night. I had gotten to a point in my life where my wistful, youthful daydreams had come true.

This semester, that sensation is happening in pieces. Little milestones that I’ve wanted to take my whole life like living in an a nice dorm apartment (thank you, New Townhouses), meal plans and baking with roommates in our own kitchen, working on my thesis, and eventually walking across stage. It’s weird because, I’ve always daydreamed about these moments and sometimes I had thought I wouldn’t ever get there. But I have; even if it doesn’t play out to every detail, the same emotions younger me had always hoped to feel, I actually gotten.

I just wish, I had a name for it. Like the cousin of déjà vu or something? Do other people go through the same sort of thought process or moments?


Categories: Joanne Georges '15-'17

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